Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Independence Day
I must have had a great weekend because I can't remember most of it. There was a night of bar hopping and bahama mamas; Starlight and drag queens; a wedding shower at my house with 1.5 hours notice; a family reunion. No wonder I can't remember it. That old feeling of not belonging didn't sneak in until I got up Monday morning to drive to my uncle's near Clearwater to go thru the family stuff and disperse it.

I have had too hard of a June to then have to go deal with the neurotic extended family and see pics of my dad as a child. July 1 was the 5-year-anniversay of his death. Five years ago today we buried him. We raised the obligatory redbeers and hot damn shots at Missie B's while the Flo Show carried on with catcalls and insults right beside us. I choked back the tears when I tried to give a toast to my father,who left us too early. I have choked back a lot of tears lately, but I can feel the flood waters rising and the levy is almost saturated with the deluge of emotional exhaustion that is drowning me.
I was greeted by my really cool uncle-by-marriage up from Oklahoma, who hugged me while the hosting uncle and very uncool uncle from Texas insulted me in the only way they know how to relate to their neices - with "cracks" about hair color, marital status, weight, and references to people that we used to be and no longer are. I almost cried right then. He asked how I was and my reply was that I had experienced a really shitty month and was not looking forward to being insulted all day. I kept to myself most of the day. I was summoned downstairs to the warehouse of stuff, and snuck away when I could to return to caring for the children, which was a great distraction.
All I could think of was getting away and returning to my own stomping ground where I am welcomed all the time with loving arms and friendly insults about the person I am. I wanted to go home. Home is no longer where my family is.
My favorite aunt and uncle, having flown in from Virginia, had already established that they were hanging with my brother's family and my cousin's family. There was no room for anyone else in their little gathering. I wanted to go home.
My mother was busy with her own brand of crazy and could only focus on bullying everyone into going to Wichita to the restaurant she had decided we were going to. HER TREAT she kept screaming. She won. We all eventually loaded up to eat a delicious dinner served by a surly ass with a highly coifed mullet who probably is from ElDorado (sorry Gypsy) and knows why the hell the road is named after Nick Badwey. The hubby came down Tuesday to a cool cousin's and hid inside getting to know him most of the day. I sweated by the pool and improved my tan and tried to not get caught up in the argument between his sister and her father about the evening's plans.
We left. We were starving and drove all the way home, attempting to eat in Emporia, Williamsburg, and Ottawa with no luck. We came HOME and scrounged something out of the frig and I slunk off to my own bed and slept like a baby.
Why does family bring out the worst in some of us? Why is it so hard to be the same person I am at my own house when I am with them? Why do I not belong with these people? For the same reasons that I did not get invited to my 20 year high school reunion (which happened after 19 years). "I guess we couldn't find you" was the answer then.
I guess they can't find me. I am someone else and that doesn't jive with who I am supposed to be in their paradigm. I have found me living right at home in Douglas County. With my family - who don't share my last name, my DNA, or my childhood experiences. I am home. Thanks for having me.
posted by Rosie @ 7/05/2006 02:11:00 PM

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