| Tuesday, August 22, 2006 |
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New Leaf |
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School has started, my blog has a cool new look (thank you Lucile) I have returned from another near-week trip out of town, and the 105+ degree days have dwindled. People say Spring is a time of rebirth, but I prefer Fall. I can start back into a routine, which brings me great comfort, and get settled into a comfortable rut before the drear of Winter gets ahold of my psyche. I came back from Maryland an absolute wreck. I read a SAD SAD book on the plane that had me blubbering as we hit the tarmac in KC. The Sea by John Banville tells the story of a man watching his wife die of cancer, and his trip down memory lane in an effort to heal himself. It ripped my heart out! Then poor Sean reminds me that my Dad's birthday is in two days and did I want to do something and all I could do was weep. It actually felt good to feel something, ANYTHING, that wasn't laughter , ennui, loneliness, or agitation, even if it WAS extreme sadness that was all-consuming. I am pretty sure that I don't have any of the dissociative disorders that make one flee one's identity and/or reality or have major memory loss, but I have lately felt like I am not in myself, nor really outside myself watching me do what I do either. I am stressed. I want a vacation. I need a good cry. I want my job to go away, or the people who make it so unpleasant to FRO and treat me like a human, not the feelingless piece of meat that I feel like when I am working for them. I want some true connection to the world that feeds me, not drains me. So, I am looking for a way to turn over a new leaf. There is a job I am interested in, but the timing is not good. I am trying to get some of my projects done around the farm, because checking things off my list makes me feel good. I am thinking of doing some major rearranging of rooms and spaces so that I have some space for me. I am thinking of quitting smoking, and I run almost as much as I walk, some days. Rosie needs more than a new pair of shoes to shake this funk off. Rosie needs fulfillment, but she is not sure what this will look like.
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| posted by Rosie @ 8/22/2006 09:00:00 PM |
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